Wow, that's a lot of work.

A lot of people tell me “Wow, having a dog must be a lot of work.” Yep, it is. But so is...⁣

Having a partner⁣
Maintaining relationships with friends⁣
Putting time into your career⁣
Taking care of yourself⁣
Taking care of your space⁣
etc…⁣

Putting a lot of work into something isn’t a bad thing. In fact, the best things in my experience are things that take time and work and effort (like Char 🐶)

What do you think is the most skipped step in opening up a relationship?⁣

What do you think is the most skipped step in opening up a relationship?⁣

HINT: It's not...⁣
Discussing exactly how your open relationship will be structured⁣
Writing down limits, boundaries, rules, and expectations⁣
Nailing those dating profiles⁣
Reading books (Ever read The Ethical Slut?)⁣
Listening to podcasts (still love you @whitnlove)⁣

Really... "The most skipped step in the entire process isn’t even especially a step you have to take in opening up your relationship, but in making sure you remain an individual within a relationship."-medium.com/@polyamoryschool <-- Give this a read⁣

You heard that right! The biggest problem newly open couples have is codependency. Oftentimes, couples cease to think of themselves as individuals in favor of a unit. Spending time together becomes a default. ⁣

Open relationships thrive when a couple is able to disentangle their lives (Don’t worry you can still live together!) Try picking random evenings to spend apart. Start asking each other out on dates again. Leaving a little room to miss each other can be a good thing.⁣

Open/Poly/Nonmonogamous stuff is hard. For those trying it or thriving in it, what helped the most for you? For those not doing it, what seems like the scariest part?⁣

(Disclaimer: Nonmonogamy is not for everyone nor do I recommend that everyone try it. I am not a therapist or a professional and all of my writing comes from research and personal experience)

Are you intentionally avoiding conflict in your relationships?

Are you intentionally avoiding conflict in your relationships?

"A conflict is a situation in which people have needs, desires, or opinions that don’t match up. It occurs when decisions need to be made or incompatible needs arise.”- Effy Blue

A misconception about conflicts is that they have to end in a fight because of the tension and anxiety that they bring up. And because conflict is scary, we brush it under the rug.

But! By not bringing up our unaddressed needs, we build resentment towards our partners. Then eventually, we snap 😳. (We’ve all had those moments where the dishes in the sink become the straw that breaks the camel’s back.)

When addressing conflict in a relationship, you get to make the decision to approach it as collaborators or adversaries. THAT is the difference between a conversation and a fight.

(I’m nerding out about nonviolent communication recently 🤓 Can you tell?)

Read more about conflict avoidance HERE!

Read more about nonviolent communication HERE!

I was the surest I’ve ever been of myself at 18 years old.

I was the surest I’ve ever been of myself at 18 years old. So sure in fact, that I completely uprooted my life and left everyone I loved for a 144p vision of what I wanted my life to look like. T’was a classic story of a small town girl following her dreams of being an actress in NYC.

A quick lesson I learned in the big apple was the art of introduction. The key is to sound as impressive as possible, so that meant I needed to list a few extra skills in addition to my acting ambition. So a few halfway decent selfies, a couple of funny Instagram post descriptions, and a bad habit of busting out a show tune in a dorm shower meant I was to advertise to the world as such: “Hi, I’m Laura and I’m an actor/model/writer/singer.” And henceforth that was my “thing”.

What is a “thing” you might ask? Dear reader I can only explain a “thing” as a passion or skill that one  defines themselves by and, also, funds one's life. A “thing” must not only fuel you as a person but also serve as your career.

No one tells you that everyone expects you to have your ‘thing’ worked out. And whatever that “thing” is, you are expected to over exaggerate your skill level to the point where 24/7 imposter syndrome takes hold (or “fake it ‘til you make it” as they say).

I was lucky enough to attend New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts; one of the most renowned drama schools in the world and an institution where a professor told a class of wide-eyed 21year olds “Know exactly what you want to do and don’t waste time around people who don’t.” Little did he know he was advising us to either isolate ourselves from our peers or lie.

And that’s exactly what we did. That’s what I did. I spent wakeful nights fueled by existential crisis cramming my head with lines I could never give meaning to. I stared at myself in mirrors of dance studios eyeing the dimples on my thighs and stress acne on my cheeks. I cried in the arms of lovers I reduced to self soothers exclaiming “I don’t like myself. I’m not a good person.” I was alone in my doubt.

But at least I was doing my “thing.” 

Sometimes you get exactly what you thought you wanted. And the reality was, I hadn’t had much time to question what I wanted. Years of spoon fed, next step curriculum had me constantly preparing myself for the future. Step one was always “know what you want.” So, naturally, the second I stumbled upon an interest I could claim as my purpose, I clung to it. I was lucky to have found one! I was better than my peers who still had some figuring out to do at 18 years old. So I placed all of my eggs in one basket and faced the precarious path ahead.

No one tells you that New York may take your dreams and stomp on them in unironic, steel toed Doc Martens. Then, as you pull yourself up and turn the corner, you may stumble upon another dream like an abandoned curbside loveseat (with no visible stains to be found).

I graduated a little over a year ago. And honestly, I’m still not quite sure what my “thing” is. The reality is that I feel like I have a lot of things.

I still enjoy acting but I don’t really audition anymore. I’ve really found power in directing and producing that I felt was missing in acting school. Also, I love being in front of a camera. I love to learn more about and educate others about sex positivity and nonmonogamous relationships. I’ve unlocked a love for kink and play parties. I want to explore my interest in interior design. And, now, I write blog posts every so often!

Writing out that list of things I love to do brings me joy. But the idea of choosing is daunting. Maybe some of us just don’t work that way. Choosing one passion to devote all of your time to is quite a monogamous way of thinking. The idea that it’s possible to have one purpose that fulfills you completely reminds me of the pursuit of meeting a lover that meets your every need. But just like explaining your “situation” as a poly person, nowadays, introductions can be a little complicated. 

My usual attempt to sum up my job in a sentence is “I’m an assistant for a relationship coach.” I admit it definitely grabs attention but it doesn’t quite feel complete. I could rattle off my list. Some people do! (I think we all know at least one person who does.) 

The reality is, at the end of the day, I’m just Laura. Maybe the path I follow hasn't been stumbled upon yet. Maybe there are forks and hills and curves that wear me out. Maybe I’m on the right one now! I could be offroading.

But, today I’m just Laura. And that’s all I need to be.

Relationship Roles

Let’s talk about relationship roles 

What’s a relationship role?? Well:

It’s the institutionalized idea of what a girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancé/wife/husband/partner is.  It’s all wrapped up in gender roles and the idea that a relationship is about what you GET from someone.

(Really, it’s about what you share. Intimacy, mutual respect, fun, time.)

Easy example: You should pay for meals when we go out because you’re my boyfriend. (Obviously a little outdated)

More nuanced example: We should share the same bed because we’re married. (What if I told you that you don’t have to 😉)

A lot of pain comes from assumed expectations. Even Shakespeare in Alls Well That Ends Well said "Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises."

Expectations are also the reason some people are afraid of being in relationships.  “I don’t want a boyfriend b/c I don’t want to _____” Then don’t! 

You get to choose what you want your love to look like! Isn’t that fun?

It's comfy.

I have a clear memory as a kid of standing in my driveway, hiking stick in hand, ready to go on an adventure. I wore basketball shorts, bare feet, and no shirt. I was a frequently naked kid. Then one day, I wasn’t allowed to be.⠀⠀

I was heartbroken. The boys in the neighborhood rode their bikes around the cul-de-sac shirtless. Why did this rule only apply to me? It had never crossed my mind that this experience was fleeting.

I really like being naked. It’s comfy. I sleep naked. I hang out with friends kinda naked. My partner and I are often caught walking around my apartment naked by my neighbors who are just ever so too close for it to be ok. (They LOVE us.) I don’t really think anything of it.

And now when I post a naked photo on Instagram I ask myself... do I care? I definitely didn’t used to. 

The truth is, I like documenting the way my body looks. It’s not always gonna look this way (which is totally fine!) And it’s really hard to preach body positivity and argue with people who slut shame when I’m slut shaming MYSELF because I want to post pics on my ass on Instagram.

So I’ve decided not to care.

a poem about blowjobs

I’m a self proclaimed lesbian, dick sucking expert

A closeted cunnilinguist 

But men are way easier

Every Pornhub instruction vid marked with a check

A mess

With a failed bulimic gag reflex

A minute

Thirty seconds

A slut 

A whore

Amazed cause he’s never came that hard before

It’s technical really

Choreography basically

A harmless distraction from a reality that’s facing me

Bleach

Salt

That burger you ate

In my hair

On my tits

On my shirt the next day

No shots for me

I’d rather be sober

Cause the better I am

The quicker it’s over

Screen Shot 2019-02-04 at 12.12.22 PM.png

Love As A Pessimist

Love as a pessimist

A lapse in the suffering of day to day. Find the one that makes you miserable the least. 

Please don’t leave me.

Just Love

It comes in waves that engulf you, then, sinks back till all that's left is the sea foam tickling your toes. (Or stinging that shaving cut on your ankle you forgot about) 
It’s an obligation, an obsession. Until it’s time to come up for air.

New Love

A rollercoaster drop sensation in the pit of your stomach. Oh no. What have I done? No going back now. A whisper of shame. Now you’re humming along to songs you swore you never liked. You daydreams of sunshine, soft grass and picnic baskets. Blankets and hot pots of soup stewing all day and spicing the air.

What did I do to deserve this?

Losing love

I lied to you. For a long, long time. Promises were broken. Plans were cancelled. Oh yeah, I bought us concert tickets for November. 

Can I still call you when I’m drunk? Do you have to tell your mom?

The weight of guilt.

I messed up.

T Shirt

Old love is like a shrunk t-shirt. Maybe you put it in the dryer for too long. Maybe you gained weight or stretched the neck out a little bit. Maybe it’s showing a little bit more of your tummy than you’d like it to. Or the lettering on the front is wearing off. It’s getting beady. Something’s not right. People look at you and recognize that’s still that shirt you’ve been wearing. Maybe it’s your favorite shirt. Maybe you used to look really good in that shirt. Maybe you’ve sewn it up a few times. You keep it in your closet and try all sorts of jacket combos to make it work but maybe it’s just not gonna happen. And that’s ok. Sometimes it’s just easier to buy a new shirt.